Copyright © 2010 by John-Patrick Ayson. All rights reserved.
in the heart of defunct financial districts are mile length lines, comprised of men & women with grumbling stomachs, penniless pockets & zero confidence, making their way thru decagon shaped buildings, into storage rooms padded with five layers of styrofoam — where three foot tall stacks of manila envelopes, piled on top of third grade plastic tables, are attended to by persons wearing matching snake skin suits & berets, handing one envelope to each man & woman — who will find a document inside, which reads:
we are an all for profit organization whose objective is to protect our land from perpetrators & their intrinsic quests to disrupt our way of life.
these perpetrators are, but not limited to:
º ravens (& other creatures resembling them)
those coveting ca$h or a simple j-o-b should stop reading this now. otherwise, consider yourself a candidate to become an integral part of our organization who:
º has an innate and/or nurtured scorn for foreign creatures — xenophobia is a plus!
º is experienced with spears, sling shots, bows & arrows, or other hunting paraphernalia
º will project their fears & insecurities into ridding the perpetrators
an open ended training regimen will serve as a preview in terms of how our organization operates. while in training, our trainers will assess your overall skills & adequacy in fulfilling our objective. if deemed worthy, you will be offered a short term contract which may or may not last between 30 to 90 days, where you will hone your ability to:
º maim &/or kill a minimum of 25 ravens per day
if you exemplify dedication in meeting this modest expectation, you may be offered a full time position, where killing, not just maiming, twenty five ravens on a regular basis becomes a requirement; the following is a commission scale* in which our fulltime associates are subject to
* due to this industry’s unpredictable climate, this may warrant unexpected changes *
º minimum of 25 dead ravens = base salary of 10 dollars
º 50 dead ravens after the minimum = base salary multiplied by 50 %
º 100 dead ravens after 75 = base salary multiplied by 100 %
º 200 dead ravens after 175 = base salary + base salary multiplied by 200%
º the pattern should be obvious by now
since there is no telling that an injured raven may or may not recuperate & continue on living, we can only offer compensation for dead ravens. we reserve the privilege of deciding whether or not a raven is truly lifeless. our representatives will be on the job site to make this decision
if & when you decide this position is right for you, please remember that our objective is to protect our land from these vile creatures & their propensity to derail how we live & function. of course you can earn a lump some living, but having the honor of doing our land a larger than life service is incomparable to any compensation, & is far more commendable than most occupations & their age old reliance on the theory of pussificating the read eye of resentment